


Past Tenses

by ladymidath



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-06-03
Updated: 2002-06-03
Packaged: 2018-11-20 09:51:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11333364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladymidath/pseuds/ladymidath
Summary: Alex is still haunted by his past. First Part of the Past Series





	Past Tenses

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

Past Tenses

## Past Tenses

#### by Lady Midath

Lady Midath's Adult and Slash PageDisclaimer: I don't own of these wonderful characters, _sigh_ I only  
wish I did. We know who owns them, don't we? But I will look after them and treat them with tender loving care. X Files Fan Fiction  
Rated NC17 for language, slash some violence, torture and lots of angst. Sk/M/K  
Warning: I hated the way that Krycek was killed off so suddenly That was no way to treat such a wonderful character. In this story, he survives. Called it AU if you like, but this is the way that I would have liked to have seen it end. _grin_

Past Tenses  
Past  
He lay on the cold concrete, pain stabbing through him. He could feel the warm sticky wetness underneath  
him. Blood, he thought dreamily, my blood. So this is what it feels like to die. 

Then someone looms over him. Skinner, the bastard that shot him. "Hang on Alex, the paramedics are on their way". 

He feels someone stroke his hair. Mulder. "I don't think he's going to make it" 

"Of course he will". Skinner does not sound so sure though. Alex closes his eyes. Would death be such a bad thing? Maybe not. After all death is not a punishment, it's a release. Who was it that said that? Some great philosopher? Who cares. Why care about anything any more? 

Christ, he was beyond caring. He opens his eyes, and sees...Mulder looking down at him, was that concern  
in his deep hazel eyes. No it could not be. Mulder hates him. Never forgave him for killing  
his father.   
"Hang on Alex, I can hear the ambulance coming. You'll be fine". Alex sighs. No he won't, he's dying. He has been shot and now he's..... 

Present  
Alex sat straight up in bed. Sweat streamed down his face and body. God, that dream again. That was the  
third time this week. What was wrong with him? 

Slowly he climbed out of bed, trying not to make his lovers up. They had both been working on a   
particularly bad kidnap and murder case, and they had been spending every spare moment at the  
office, or out on the field. 

Alex padded over to the bedroom door.  
"Where are you going"? Walter was sitting up, already reaching for his glasses on the nightstand. 

"I couldn't sleep anymore, so I thought I'd go downstairs and start breakfast". Alex replied.  
Walter glanced at the clock. "Alex, it's four in the morning. Come back to bed". 

Alex sighed, then reluctantly returned to the bed. Fox stirred and rolled over, snuggling against Walter.  
"Whuuzzup"? He mumbled sleepily. 

"It's okay, go back to sleep". Walter whispered. Then beckoned to Alex. "You too".  
Alex, knowing that arguing was useless, went back to the huge bed that Walter had purchased when  
they had moved into the house together. 

Alex slipped under the covers, feeling Walter slip his arms around his too thin frame.  
"What's wrong sweetheart"? He asked.  
"Nothing".  
"I think there's something wrong"? Walter replied. He pulled Alex to him, holding him close. At first he resisted, but Walter only tightened his grip. Alex knew that Walter would not let go until he could feel  
him relax. After a moment he did, then leaned against Walter's chest. 

He could feel his lover stroke his hair gently. Alex closed his eyes, he loved it when Walter held him like this. 

"Did you have that dream again Alex"?  
Alex nodded.  
He heard Walter sigh. "How bad was it this time"? "Bad". Alex whispered. He felt tears sting the back of his eyes. "Really bad this time Walter". 

"Alex, why don't you think about my suggestion"? Walter asked him gently. Alex sat up, panic in his green  
eyes.  
"No please I... no doctors please Walter...I can't"! Alex's voice had risen, waking Fox up. 

"What's wrong"? He asked, turing straight to Walter. His hair was sticking straight up, hazel eyes wide. 

"Nothing Fox, it's okay". Walter replied. He gripped Alex by the arms hard, giving him a slight shake.  
Alex whimpered, tears shining in his eyes. "Please I don't want to". 

Walter felt something loosen in his chest. God he hated seeing Alex like this, terrified and near to tears.  
With great care, he drew Alex to him. He half expected the smaller man pull away, but he did not. 

"What happened Walter"? Fox asked, he reached over and gently stroked Alex's shoulder. He shuddered  
under the soothing caress. 

"Alex had that dream again". Walter replied softly. Fox was immeadiately up and holding Alex in his arms.  
He knew the devastating effect these dreams had on the younger man. 

Alex could feel both men holding him and gradually the trembling stopped. He hated it when he was like  
this, so weak and needy. Christ, why did Fox and Walter put up with him? 

Slowly he was laid back down on the bed, his head resting against the pilows. Walter covered him with the sheet  
and quilt, stroking his arm, the one that ended abruptly just below the elbow. 

Alex had to stop from physically pulling away. He hated the deformity, the ugly stump that had once been a  
whole arm.  
He had lost that part of himself in Siberia, Russian peasants had held him down and hacked his arm off, hoping  
to save him from the black cancer that they had thought, infected him. 

"Try and go back to sleep Alex". Fox murmured. Alex could feel the warm breath of his lover on his cheek.  
He nodded and rolled over, closing his eyes, but knowing that sleep was over for him now.  
But he would lie next to the two men that mattered to him most and pretend to sleep, and they would  
both know that he was only pretending, and the morning would wear on until the three  
of them would get up and the patterns of normal life would begin. Alex wanted to bury his head in the pillows and weep with despair, but he would not... could not. His heart  
was dead, turned to stone by the Consortium bastards that he used to work for. 

A man must make a stone of his heart and a desolation of his soul. Lucas's words echoed in his mind, and finally he did close his eyes and for a moment he did sleep, and for that brief time, was happy. Past  
"I have a job for you Alex". Spender is sitting behind the huge walnut desk, shuffling files. He looks  
like any other bureaucrat you would find sitting behind such a desk. But he knows precisely  
what this man is... and how utterly dangerous he could be, especially when crossed. 

Spender reaches into a drawer and places a palm pilot on the desk in front of him.  
He reaches over and picks it up, turning it over in his hand. 

"Tell me Alex, what do you know about nano technology"? He looks up, the smile that Spender wears, chills him. 

"Not much, why do you ask"?  
Spender leans forward over his desk. "I think that you are going to get acquainted with it, real soon".  
Present  
Alex was sitting at the kitchen table, picking listlessly at the pancakes that Walter had made.  
He looked up as Fox sat down, hair neatly combd back, a dark suit and perfectly knotted tie. Looking every   
inch the FBI agent that he was. 

He leaned over and kissd Alex on the cheek. Alex could smell the aftershave that he was wearing. It was the one that Walter had bought for him last Christmas. 

"Good morning Alex". He said, then reached over to help himself to the stack of pancakes that Walter had  
made. 

"Good morning". Alex replied. Fox looked at him sharply. Something was wrong. Alex seemed to almost  
droop in his chair.  
"You okay"? Fox asked gently. 

Alex shrugged. Fox noticed the dark circles under his eyes. It jad been awhile since he had seen Alex   
like this and it worried him. 

Walter carried his plate over to the table and loaded it with pancakes and syrup.  
"I have a staff meeting with the Director this morning". He said as he sipped the coffee that he had made earlier. 

Fox nodded, not taking his eyes from Alex. Walter looked up, and with a quick shake of his head, silently  
told Fox to back off. Alex could be volatile at the best of times, and no telling what his temper   
could be like when he was like this. 

Fox, taking the hint, dug into his breakfast without another word. 

"What have you got planned for today Alex"? Walter asked, striving to sound casual, but Alex did not miss  
the quick searching glance that his lover gave him. 

"Not a lot". He replied offhandly. "I thought that I might clean up around here, that's about it".  
"Why don't you get out later on"? Walter suggested. "Go for a walk or something".  
"I might". Alex sounded non commital. 

"Alex, you can't stay in the house all day, it's not good for you to be cooped up like this.  
He glanced up at Fox, then Walter, seeing the identical looks of concern on their faces. 

"Look, there's no need to worry about me okay". He snapped. "I'm fine, I just don't feel like going out today". 

"All right Alex, take it easy". Walter replied. "If you don't want to go out, you don't have to. And besides, you  
are, this place could use a good cleaning". 

Alex smiled slightly. Nothing could be further from the truth. The house was spotless, he knew that   
Walter as just giving him a way out. 

Fox frowned at Walter, but said nothing. Walter could see that he disapproved, but the last thing that any  
of them needed right now, was a full blown confrontation. 

Alex glanced at his watch. "It's after eight, hadn't you both better get going"? Walter and Fox glanced at each other, usually Alex liked them to leave later, rather then earlier.  
"You're right". Walter replied. He stood up, finishing his coffee. Then he leaned over and kissed Alex   
gently on the mouth.  
Then Fox leaned over, ruffling the younger man's hair affectionately. Alex gave them both a wan smile.  
"See you both tonight".  
"We won't be home too late". Walter assured him. In the state that Alex was in neither Walter or Fox wanted  
to leave him alone for any length of time. They both knew how fragile Alex still was. 

Alex watched them both go, his heart heavy. His stomach knotted. He hated being left alone, but both Walter  
and Fox had to work. Walter had been talking about retirement, Alex sensed that he was getting  
sick of riding a desk and having Kersh on his back. And Walter knew that there was no way  
he was going to get a promotion, thanks to Spender and the rest of the Consortium. 

With a sigh, Alex gathered up the breakfast dishes and began to stack the dishwasher. 

"I'm telling you Walter, we can't just let him go the way he's going. He's heading for a breakdown and you  
know that". Fox said as they both drove to work. 

Walter sighed and gripped the steering wheel. Fox was right, he certainly could not argue that.  
"Well what do you think we should do"? He asked. Fox stared out of the window. "I think it's time we consulted a psychiatrist". 

"He'd never agree to that Fox and we both know it". "There's nothing else we can do". Fox replied. "Look, I'm not happy with it either. I know how terrified  
Alex is of doctors, thanks to the Consortium's bunch of happy butcherers". 

"Yes, I know. From what Alex has told me, the doctors that Spender employed would have done Dr   
Mengle proud". Walter replied. 

"Yeah Walter, I understand why Alex is scared of doctors". Fox replied. "But the fact remains, he's not coping  
anymore. The nightmares are getting worse and his mood swings"... 

"But how do we get him to seek help Fox"? Walter asked. "Christ, it was hard enough to get him to see a   
doctor about his arm, and now we have to try and get him to a psychiatrist. He'll go ballistic". 

"I can't see anyway out of it". Fox said. Walter glanced over at him, hearing the sadness that had crept  
into his voice.  
"I remember a time when you would have quite happily killed him". He said with a smile. 

Fox chuckled. "True, what can I say, I guess after a while, the little rat grows on you".  
"It was when you found out how what the Consortium did to him, how they tortured him. That was when   
you realized that he was not quite the monster that you thought he was". 

"I admit, I hated him. Why not, after all, he shot my father and killed him. And what he did to you". 

"The nanocytes". Walter replied. "They were not the most pleasant things. That's for sure". 

"I don't understand". Fox said suddenly. "You had as much reason to hate him as I did. So what made  
you decide to help him that day"? 

"The day that I shot him". Walter said his voice soft. He was suddenly aware of the other man's sudden scrutiny. 

"You know, the truth of it is, I'm not sure myself". Walter replied thoughtfully. "I had no love for Alex.  
But when I saw him lying there, injured, in a pool of his own blood. He looked so helpless all of  
sudden. He looked so...so... childlike. Christ, I don't know". He finished helplessly. 

"He does have a way of getting under your skin all right". Fox agreed. "But we still have not solved this  
particular problem". 

"You're right, we haven't". Walter sighed and shook his head. "There has to be a way though, without   
having to resort to taking him to a shrink". 

"He needs therapy". Fox replied. "That's all there is too it". "But you are a psychologist, surely you can help him"? Walter replied. "Only up to a point". Fox said quietly. "There's only so much that I can do for Alex, as a psychologist,  
and his lover". 

"I know". Walter replied. But Fox, we have to find a way to help him". Fox nodded, then turned to look out the window, his brilliant mind already turning over several possiblities  
in his mind.  
Past  
He's standing in front of Skinner, palm pilot in hand. Skinner, sweating stares at it as though it were a rattle  
snake that he were holding.  
He knows, one touch of the button and nanocytes would flood his system, causing agony and quite possibly, death. 

"Why are you doing this Krycek"? He asks. "Because I can".  
"You son of a bitch". Skinner snarls, and he feels his heart contract. How he loathes himself for torturing  
a good man. An honest man. Someone who is truly decent. How he wants to run from the act.  
Deny everything, including his life. 

A man must make a stone of his heart, he must bury it under the midnight sky and sow the ground with salt.  
The salt of tears. 

"Why Krycek...why"?  
He looks directly into Skinner's eyes...and presses the button. Present  
Alex stood in the middle of the kitchen, hands clenched, sweating. He was staring into space, his breath  
ragged. 

Gradually he is aware of a distant buzzing, like some huge poisonous insect. The phone. Gradually Alex is able to  
move. He walked over to the phone on legs that were trembling badly and picked it up. 

"Hello"  
"Ah, is Fox there"? It was John Byers, one of the Lone Gunmen. "No, he's already left". Alex replied. he could hear the pause at the other end of the phone. He knew that  
Byers and Frohike were uncomfortable around him, and Langly outright detested him. 

"Okay, uh, I'll call him later". Byers hung up without saying goodbye. Alex stared at the phone receiver  
still in his hand. Why did he suddenly feel like crying? He replaced the receiver and slowly  
went back to the kitchen. 

Dr Nicholls sat behind the large modern desk, a thoughtful expression on his broad, rather handsome face.  
"I really need to see him before I can make any sort of prognosis". He said. 

Fox nodded. "I understand Jeff, but you see, Alex is terrified of doctors, and has for hospitals, forget it.  
When he was taken to St Mary's after he was shot, he totally freaked out. It took everything we had  
to make sure he didn't bust his way out. Walter finally had to put a 24 hour guard on his room. 

Jeff Nicholls sighed and leaned back in his chair. "Look Fox, I'll be honest with you. I'm really snowed under  
at the moment, that's why I'm not taking on any new patients. The only reason I agreed to see  
you is because we are such good friends. I am happy to see your... friend, but for any sort of  
treatment to be effective, it really has to be voluntary on his part". 

"Yeah, I know that". Fox replied. "But Alex is a special case. I explained over the phone earlier". 

"Yes, an assassin, an operative for the Syndicate"... "The Consortium". Fox corrected. "Jeff, I know it's a little hard to swallow, but Alex has known nothing  
but abuse and cruelty all his life. They took him when he was a kid. His parents had been  
operatives when he was a kid. They were killed, some mission that went wrong. And then the  
Consortium took Alex and trained him to take their place". 

"And he had been working for them ever since I take it"? Dr Nicholls asked. "Yes, up until the time that he was shot". "And that was by your other partner Walter Skinner". Dr Nicholls smiled. "Fox, this is a very complicated  
case, you are aware of this aren't you"? Fox"s own smile was grim. "Oh yes Jeff, I am completely aware of how complicated this all is. After all, I  
live with all this, everyday". 

"I don't envy you". Dr Nicholls replied. Then he sighed. "All right, I will see him, I think an initial visit to try and get a handle on what is actually going on. Then two sessions, one on"... He stopped to consult  
his diary. "I have Thurdays free, in the afternoon, and another on Monday, after lunch. How does  
that sound to you"? 

Fox's smile was pure relief. "Sound just great to me. You know I really appreciate this Jeff. In fact, I owe you one". 

Jeff Nicholls chuckled. "Well, I am not promising any miracles Fox, you are a psychologist, you know the score".  
Suddenly the doctor became very serious. The damage that your friend...your lover, I   
should say, suffered over the years, it could be irreversible, you and Walter need to understand this". 

"We are not expecting miracles Jeff". Fox said quietly. "All we want is for you to help Alex, that's all".  
"You and this, Walter, must really care for him". Dr Nicholls replied. "We do".  
"Then Alex is a very lucky young man". 

"You did what"?  
Alex leapt up from the chair he had been sitting on, nearly spilling his cup of coffee on the carpet. 

"I told you, I made an appointment for you to see an old friend of mine". Fox replied calmly. "Look Alex  
I know Jeff Nicholls, he is a terrific doctor, and he's doing us a big favour by agreeing to see you". 

"I don't care"! Alex yelled. "I am not going to se any fucking doctor, is that clear"! 

"Yes you are Alex". Walter replied calmly from across the room. "You are going to see Dr Nicholls. From what   
I hear from Fox, he is an excellent psychiatrist". 

Alex whirled on him, face reddening. "I'm not going Walter, I don't want to see any godamn shrink and that's final"!  
With that, he turned and stormed out of the room. Walter and Fox heard the front door slam. 

Walter drew a deep breath. "I'll go after him". 

"Good luck". Fox murmured, then settled down to wait. 

Walter found Alex sitting on the old wooden bench that sat near the back fence. He was sitting   
hunched over, the moonlight gleaming on his dark hair, giving it an almost halo like glow. 

Alex, assassin's sense as sharp as ever, turned. He looked at him for a moment, Walter could see the  
bleak despair in his eyes. 

"I'll pack and be out of here first thing in the morning". He said softly. "Why"? Walter asked. He sat down next to Alex, who shifted over to make room for the larger man. 

"You and Fox won't want me to stay. Not after the way I acted in there". "Alex, we want you to stay". Walter replied. "You know that both Fox and I love you. We would never want  
you to leave". 

Alex stared at Walter for a moment. "Really"? he sounded like a three year old, hurt and unhappy and unsure  
of everything. It hurt Walter to hear him like this. Alex the cold blooded killer had always been  
cocky and afraid of nothing. But Alex, their lover, was insecure and frightened and miserable. 

Walter had always suspected that the cocksure arrogant killer had been a carefully constructed persona,  
created by Alex to cover his true feelings. 

"Really" Walter replied with a reassuring smile. "Come on back inside Alex". The younger man looked at Walter, clearly worried. "What about Fox, is he mad after the way I yelled at him"? 

"It's all right Alex, he's not mad, just worried sick about you. We both are. That's why we want you to go and  
see this doctor friend of his". 

Alex shook his head helplessly. "I can't Walter. Please don't make me go". Walter drew the trembling man into his arms, rocking him soothingly. 

"We are not doing this to be cruel or to hurt you Alex, we are doing this because you need help. Help  
that we can't give. You need professional care my love". 

Alex nodded. he knew that everything Walter was saying was right. Ever since the day that Walter and Fox  
had taken him in, he had been getting steadily worse. The flashbacks were becoming more frequent  
and gaining a terrible strength. There were days where Alex no longer new what was real  
and what wasn't. 

"Come on". Walter helped Alex to his feet and led him gently back inside the warm, well lit house.  
Fox was still sitting in the armchair, waiting for them both. He knew that when Alex got like this, the  
only person that could truly handle him was Walter. 

"Oay now Alex"? He asked.   
Alex nodded, then he walked over to where Fox was sitting. "I'm sorry I blew up earlier on". He said  
embarrested. "I know that you are only trying to help me and I really am grateful to you for it". 

Fox smiled, relieved, he had not been sure what mood Alex was going to be in when he had come back  
inside. His moods were so changable these days. Fox loved him dearly, but there were days  
where both he and Walter had to move around Alex on tiptoe. 

Alex sat down on the small foot stool sitting next to Fox's chair. He looked up at him, green eyes moist.  
"I'll go and see this guy...if you really want me too". 

"Good". Fox replied. "I have already made an appointment for you. I can't go with you Alex, I'm sorry,   
but the case is just taking up every bit of my time at the moment. But Walter can go with you". 

Alex sighed. "Fox, I'm not a kid. I can go by myself you know. I'm not entirely helpless".  
"I'm not saying you are". Fox replied evenly. "But I think it might be better if one of us goes and unfortunately  
it can't be me. But Walter can get some personal time off. So it's all set". 

Angry now, Alex pushed himself off the foot stool. "Fine, whatever"! With that, he stormed out of the  
living room. The other two heard their bedroom door open and close, Alex had gone to bed. 

"Well that went well". Fox remarked. Walter sighed and shook his head. "We have to give him time Fox, you  
know that".  
"Of course I do". He replied. "But Walter, it's getting a point where I am scared that he could end up  
taking off, or hurting himself or something". 

Walter walked over to the window, looking out into the quiet moonlit street. Nothing stirred outside, it looked  
so peaceful, so serene.  
Christ, I must be getting old. He thought to himself sadly. Suddenly he felt a pair of arms slip around  
his waist. 

"Why don't we go to bed". Fox murmured, nuzzling his neck. Walter smiled. "Sounds like a good idea to me". 

Alex was lying in the middle of the bed, one arm thrown across his face. He looked so peaceful that Walter  
and Fox hated to disturb him. They undressed and climbed into bed, on either side, careful  
not to disturb him. 

Fox gave his lover a rueful grin. "So much for my plans tonight". "There's always tomorrow night". Walter replied. Fox laughed and settled down next to Alex. 

Alex threw his arm over Fox's chest and snuggled against him, his eyes opening slightly.  
"Well hi there". Fox said. "I thought you were asleep". 

"I was waiting for the both of you". Alex replied softly. Walter reached over to stroke his dark hair.  
"Does this mean that we are forgiven then"? 

"If anything, you should both be forgiving me". Alex replied. "I know that I have been"...  
"Behaving like a brat". Walter supplied. "Yes, as a matter of fact, you have been, but we still love you". 

"But for how long"? Alex asked. He looked over at Walter, his eyes haunted. Walter felt something in his chest  
loosen. Alex was so lost, so unsure. He needed to be constantly reassured that he was  
loved and wanted. No matter how many time Walter and Fox told him, he never seemed to truly  
believe it. 

The Consortium had done a great job on him. All their torture and cruelty had produced an efficent,  
cold blooded operative. And an emotionally unstable human being. 

"Forever". Walter replied. The simple statement soothes Alex's fears instantly. He lay back down into Fox's arms  
the worry lines in his face smoothing as he relaxed. He turned to both his lovers. 

"I want you to fuck me". He said. "I want you both inside me, please". 

"All right Alex". Fox replied stroking the younger man's hair gently. "Anything that you want sweetheart". 

Walter leaned over and opened the drawer in the night stand. He took out a packet of condoms and  
a tube of lube. 

Alex allowed himself to be gently turned over, he had been trained to be obedient in and out of bed.  
he never took the initiative in bed. He had been trained not to. 

Walter and Fox had realized that Alex could not be independent in bed, he had to be guided and coaxed.  
The Consortium had trained him well, and even though he was no longer a part of it, he  
still could not separate from his training. It had been too deeply ingrained in him. 

Walter ran his hand up and down Alex's back, murmuring soothing words. The tension gradually drained  
out of him and soon he as giving in to the pleasurable sensations. 

Fox took Alex's hadening cock into his mouth, running his tongue over the weeping tip.  
Alex shuddered and closed his eyes, he loved being loved like this. 

He could feel Walter's hand parting his buttocks, fingers sliding inside him entering him completely.  
Alex groaned, lifting himself up to Walter, while Fox still sucked him. Finally, he felt  
Walter's cock slide into him, Alex gasped. God it felt so good, how could anything feel this good? 

It feels good now, but later you will regret this Alex, because the life that has been chosen for you is  
a hard one and you will endure much. But your loyalty will be rewarded...but you must know  
suffering...suffering... 

Alex's eyes opened as he could feel the panic flood through him. Who was on top of him? Who had hold  
of his penis? 

"No please". He whimpered. "Please don't hurt me anymore. I promise I'll be good". 

Walter heard the barely whispered plea and froze. Another flashback? Fox was still sucking him. His dark  
head half hidden underneath Alex. 

"Alex, are you okay"? Walter asked.  
"Yes". He whispered, calming at the sound of Walter's familiar voice. "Please don't stop...please". 

"I won't". Walter thrust even deeper, listening to Alex's groans of delight. Suddenly he felt the younger man jerk.  
Fox had brought him to a shuddering climax. 

It was Alex's turn to take Fox into his mouth, and he did so with a gentle lovingness that never failed to  
touch him. He was amazed that Alex could love him after the way that Fox had treated him a couple  
of years back. 

But that was before Fox had found out about Alex's past. How he had been taken into the Consortium   
by trickery and force, and made to do the things that he had. 

Fox had finally forgiven him for killing his father, especially when he found out that Alex had not wanted too.  
He had liked Bill Mulder, the only one of the Elite that had not hurt him. 

He had carried out his orders, then in typical Alex style, had grieved for the man that he had shot and killed. 

Fox moaned and wriggled under Walter, completely carried away by the feel of the man that he loved being  
so deep inside him. And the other man that he loved, under him. It had felt like he had died and gone  
to paradise. 

After the three of the them were fully sated, they lay in each other's arms. Alex was already asleep.  
Walter sighed and after a moment, rolled over. 

"As much as I love you both, I don't want to become permanently welded to you". He went into the bathroom  
and returned with a bowel of warm soapy water and a washcloth. 

He carefully wiped all the traces of their lovemaking from their lean bodies. Alex mumbled something and  
rolled over, but did not wake up. 

After carrying the bowel and washcloth back into the bathroom. Walter climbed in under the covers.  
Alex snuggling against him. Even asleep, he seemed to crave human comfort. 

Fox yawned. "I have go to work early tomorrow. Scully and I have a meeting with Kersh".  
"Hmm, good luck". Walter replied. He knew that Fox despised his new supervisor. 

Fox chuckled. "I guess I need it with him. ""Just try not to do anything to piss him off". Walter replied, his voice firm. 

"I'll try, but I can't make any promises". Fox replied. Both men were speaking barely above a whisper.  
They did not want to wake Alex, he rarely got enough sleep as it was, with the nightmares  
and all. 

"Fox,I've been thinking of taking early retirement". Walter said suddenly. "Why"?  
Fox heard him sigh. "I've had enough". Walter replied softly. "Enough of Kersh and the rest". I have   
plently of money, and I've been thinking of going into the private sector. Besides, I want to try and spend  
more time with Alex". 

"It wouldn't be a bad idea". Fox replied. He smiled down at the sleeping man next to him.  
"Alex needs us both Walter, but we have been so caught up with work and everything"... 

"I know". Walter replied softly. He gently stroked Alex's hair. "Those Consortium bastards really did a   
job on our lover. And now it's up to us to help him heal". 

"It's going to take time". Fox replied. "And you know Walter, there's no guarantee that he will ever be completely healed". 

"I realize that Fox, but I am not going to give up on him". "Neither am I". Fox replied softly. "Neither am I". Past  
He's sitting inside the Tunisian prison cell, listening to the sounds coming from the other cells.  
Voices, laughing, crying, babbling away in an incomprensible language. Screams punctuated the hot  
still air, as prisoners were beaten by the guards...or other, stronger prisoners. 

He was not sure how long he had been in this hell hole for, days...weeks...months? One hellishly  
hot day melted into another with respite. Spender had imprisoned him in here? The man had been furious  
with him. 

I will not die here, he thinks, closing his eyes. The week old beard was begining to itch maddeningly.  
I will not die in here. 

"Alex"? He opens his eyes. A tall dark haired man is standing outside his cell. Staring at him. Lucas? No another operative, Mark Igott 

"Spender has a job for you".  
Present  
Ales was sitting in Dr Nicholls office. Walter sitting beside him. He was looking around the large comfortable  
room, taking in the rows of leather bound books sitting in the large walnut cabinet,  
and the lovely landscapes on the pale blue wallpaer. 

In in all, the office was tastefully decorated and somehow, restful. Despite all this, Alex could not relax. 

"Tell me Alex, how long were you with this...Consortium for"? Dr Nicholls asked him.  
Alex shrugged. "Ever since I was fourteen". He replied. 

How did you come to be recruited by them"? Alex was aware of Walter's brown eyes watching him intently. He could feel sweat pop out on his brow. 

"I got into trouble, when I was a kid. My parents were good people, they took good care of me, but they  
died when I was nine and my grandmother took me in. She was an old lady, and not well, so   
I guess I went a bit wild. Hung out with a bad crowd. You know, the usual". 

Dr Nicholls nodded sympathetically. "Please continue Alex". Alex swallowed hard and nodded. He was trying so hard to cooperate, he was still feeling ashamed over  
his behaviour the other night. 

"Anyway, I got into trouble with the police, we had all gone out to the mall and had gotten pretty drunk" 

"This had been you and your friends". Dr Nicholls clarified. "Yes, Kenny, Steve, Brian and his brother Len. We...we stole a car and went joyriding". Alex confessed.  
We got pulled up by the cops and arrested. All the other guys had parents that could  
bail them out. But Grandma had no money, so I was stuck inside a cell. I was only fourteen". 

"You must have been very frightened". Dr Nicholls said, his voice gentle. Alex nodded.  
"I did not know what was going to happen, then this man showed up. Said that he wanted to help me. 

"I see, and how exactly did he help you Alex"? "He posted bail for me, and arranged a lawyer for when I had to go to court. Only I never had to go before  
a judge, Lucas had managed to get all the charges dropped". 

"I see". Dr Nicholls replied, he wrote something down onto a yellow notepad. "And who was this Lucas"? 

"He was the one that recruited me into the Consortium". Alex replied. He looked over at Walter, who offered   
him an encouraging smile. 

"He was one of their recruitment officers. They travelled all over the world looking for kids that they   
considered trainable. He had been following me for months, only I did not know. I scored high on a couple   
of IQ tests at school and of course he found that out and just waited until he saw his chance". 

"And this is the way that the Consortium recruited their operatives"? "Yes". Alex replied. "Any kid that was bright, healthy, god at sports, any physical activities at all. Kids that came from broken homes, dysfunctional backgrounds. Anyone that was vunerable and could be made  
to disappear easily".  
"You see my parents had worked for them, that was part of the reason that they wanted me to work for them as well. 

Dr Nicholls glanced at Walter. "And you knew about this organization"? 

"Yes". Walter replied. "They tried to draw me into their scemes on more than one occasion. "These are very  
dangerous men we are talking about". 

"So it would seem". Dr Nicolls murmured. he turned back to Alex. "How did you manage to get away from these people Alex"? He already knew the answer. Fox had already  
given him a complete history, but he needed to hear it from Alex himself. 

Alex lowered his head, his face pale except for two hectic spots of colour in his cheeks.  
Walter reached over to take Alex's hand, but was stopped by a shake of the doctor's head.  
"Alex, I asked you a question, do you think you could answer it"? The young man raised his head, his green eyes moist. "I was shot". He replied, his voice trembling. 

"Who was it that shot you"?  
"Walter". Alex's voice was barely above a whisper. "He shot me. I was threatening Dana Scully's baby  
and he shot me in the shoulder. I nearly died". 

"I see". Dr Nicholls replied. Then he smiled at the tearful young man. "You have done very well Alex".  
he told him gently. "And you have been very brave. I know how bad these memories must  
be for you, and how painful it must be to have to keep revisiting them". 

Alex nodded, he looked tired and drawn and all of five years old. All he wanted to do was go home.   
He felt safe there. 

"Alex, would you go out into the waiting room, I just want to have a word with Walter". Dr Nicholls said.  
Without a word, Alex pushed himself up from the chair and left the room. Once the door had closed behind  
him, the doctor turned to Walter, concern clear in his eyes. 

"From what I have gathered from you, Alex and Fox, you are dealing with a severely traumatized young  
man there".  
"I know that Doctor". Walter replied tiredly. "I live with it, but I need to know, is there anything that we can do to help him"? 

"Time, and therapy". Dr Nicholls replied. "I can prescribe something for the fugue  
states that he has been experiencing. And something for the severe mood swings. But you have to understand that I can't undo years of abuse in just a few months. It could take a lot longer, sometimes years. 

"If that's what it's going to take, then so be it". Skinner said with a smile. 

"I'll make you an appointment for next Thursday, and get this filled". Dr Nicholls scribbled on a prescription sheet, then tore it off a pad. He handed it to Walter. 

"Nothing heavy duty, just something that will help him over the worst of the panic attacks, it will make him drowsy, so make sure he doesn't take them with alcohol or get behind the wheel of a car". 

"I'll make sure". Walter and Dr Nicholls shook hands. Then the doctor pressed the  
intercom button. Sally, could you send Mr Krycek back in here...thank you". 

The door opened and Alex stood there in the doorway looking nervously at Walter. "Come on it Alex". Dr Nicholls said gently. 

Alex entered the room and walked over to where the two men were standing. he looked  
from one to the other, almost like a small child thinking that he had done something wrong, and feared punishment. 

"It's all right Alex". Walter said, taking his hand. The smaller man suddenly looked relieved. His hands tightened over Walter's, seeking comfort. 

"I'll see you next week Alex, okay"? Dr Nicholls said, gazing at the young man intently. Alex turned to Walter. 

"Do I have to come back"? He asked plaintively. 

"Yes Alex you do". Walter replied, his voice firm. Alex's face dropped. "But I don't want to Walter". He said, his voice barely above a whisper. 

"Alex, we agreed"... Walter began. Suddenly Alex pulled away from him. "No, you and Fox agreed, I had no say in it". 

"Alex, that's not true and you know it". Walter replied, stunned at the outburst. 

"You go to hell". With that, Alex turned and stormed out of the doctor's office. Walter turned back to the doctor. "I'm sorry, it's these dammed mood swings"... 

"It's to be expected Mr Skinner, hopefully the medication will help. 

Walter found Alex waiting for him by the car. he looked up at the bigger man a closed stubborn expression on his delicately handsome features. 

Walter grabbed him by his good arm and gave him a slight shake. "What the hell was that back there Alex"? Alex pulled away. "I'm sick of you and Fox telling me what to do Walter. I've had  
it up to here with your orders and your bullying". 

"Alex, neither For or I bully you, we are trying to help you, can't you see that"? 

Alex said nothing, just turned and climbed into the car, settling himself into the passenger seat. Walter took a deep breath, then let it out in a gust. Normally he was very patient with Alex, but today... What he could not not figure out was ,what had brought it all on? 

Without a word, he climbed in behind the steering wheel and started the car. Neither of them spoke on the drive back home. Alex just sat staring out of the window.  
Walter decided that it was best not to provoke a argument with him right now. 

Fox was already had home, and judging by the state of the kitchen, had beun dinner. 

Walter hung his coat up on the hook near the door and turned to speak to Alex, but he had already disappeared upstairs. 

Fine, he thought bad temperedly. Let him go upstairs and sulk. The brat could just  
stay there for all he cared. 

"How did it go"? Fox asked, coming in from the living room. "Do not ask"! 

"That bad"?  
"He threw a tantrum in the doctor's office". Walter replied. 

"WHAT? A tantrum"? Fox was stunned. "But why, he agreed to go"? 

"He lost his temper when he was told that he'd have to go back. He must have thought  
that it was a one off visit". Walter replied. He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes. God he felt tired all of a sudden. 

"Where is he now"? Fox asked. Walter could see how concerned he was. "Upstairs, probably pouting and feeling sorry for himself". 

"I'll go up and see if he's all right". Fox said. "Oh, by the way, I started dinner". 

"Yeah, I saw the disaster area on my in". Walter replied with a grin. Fox pulled a face at him, then headed up the stairs. Walter watched him go, then with a sigh, headed towards the kitchen to see if he could fix some of the damage. 

Fox poked his head around the bedroom door. Alex was lying on the bed, his shoulders  
shaking with wrenching sob that broke Fox's heart to hear them. 

He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, reaching out to pat the younger man on the shoulder. "Alex, what wrong"? 

"Nothing". Alex mumbled. "Leave me alone". "Alex, come on. Walter told me what happened in the doctor's office". Fox said. 

Alex sat up. "He told you that I lost my temper"? "Yes, well actually he told me that you threw a tantrum". 

Alex's face reddened. "I am an adult. I don't throw tantrums"! "Well you don't seem to be acting like an adult at the moment are you"? Fox replied  
drily. 

"Go to hell"! Alex exploded. With a violent motion, he pushed himself off the bed and headed towards the door.  
Fox was too quick for him. He grabbed Alex and hauled him back. "Oh no you don't". he said firmly. "You are not going to take off until you tell me what the hell is eating you". 

Without warning. Alex lashed out with his good arm, catching Fox square on the jaw.  
Fox fell back on the bed, more from surprise, then the force of the blow. 

Alex stared at him for a moment, horrified at what he had just done, then turned and ran out of the door and down the stairs. 

Fox struggled up off the bed and headed out after him, but it was too late, he had  
gone.  
br > "Shit"! Fox stormed over to the front door, it was still half open, but there was  
no sign of Alex. 

Walter came out of the kitchen, sleeves rolled up, he was still holding a dish cloth.  
"What the hell is going on here"? 

Fox quickly filled him in on what happened. Walter shook his head. "Great, where the hell could he have gone"? Fox glanced at his watch, it had just gone six. "There's a small bar not far from  
here, he likes to go there sometimes, to be alone, you know. He might be there". 

"I'll go and have a look, see if I can find him...and when I do.." "Walter, take it easy on him, after everything's been through, he's still fragile". 

Walter stopped, then nodded. Fox was right, and losing his cool with Alex was only going to make things worse. 

"I'll wait here, in case he comes back". Fox said. "All right. I won't be too long". I hope, Walter added mentally. Past  
"Kill him, do it now, while you still can" "I can't...I don't want to"  
"Now Alex, now. It is your duty. Don't you want to serve the Elite"? The young boy looks up at the older man, looming over him, the very bulk of him, menacing. 

"Please, I've changed my mind. I don't want to be a killer. "Coward"! A hand lashes out, catches him on the cheek, leaving a bright red hand print. The boy whimpers. "Do it boy, or I'll give you a thrashing you won't soon forget. 

The boy lifts the gun, it's heavy in his hands, and aims it at the cowering, bloodied man kneeling on the ground. His eyes are bulging with terror. 

"Please"...  
The plea goes unheard. The gun fires almost by itself and the kneeling man slowly  
keels over, bleeding from the fatal wound to his head. 

A hand comes to rest on his shoulder. The voice is almost paternal. "There Alex, see you could do it". 

Present  
Alex was sitting alone at the bar, even though it was still early, there were not a lot of people drinking there tonight. 

He was sitting hunched over, nursing a beer. Every movement he had, screamed... leave me alone. 

Walter walked in through the glass doors, spotting him almost immeadiately. Willing himself to be calm, he walked over to where he was sitting. 

Alex, sensing someone behind him, spun around on the stool. Assassin's senses still finely tuned. "Oh, it's you". 

"Gee thanks". Walter replied jokingly, trying to lighten the mood. Alex shrugged and turned back to his beer>

"You haven't asked about Fox". Walter said. Alex shrugged again. Walter could feel his temper starting to rise. he quickly tamped it down. 

"Aren't you going to ask if he's all right"? 

"Is he all right"? Alex's voice was indifferent. "Yes, he is, no thanks to you". Walter replied. Alex looked up at him, green eyes  
cool. 

He shouldn't have grabbed me like that". 

"Alex, Fox was worried about you, he went up to seem if you were okay, he hates to  
see you upset, you know that and you had no right to hit him". 

Colour slammed into Alex's face and he stared down at his half drunk beer. "I'm sorry". He whispered. He looked up miserably at the beloved face of the man that had helped save him from a life serving the Consortium Elite. The man that he had grown to trust, and to love. 

"How can you ever forgive me"? He asked, tears begining to sting at his eyes. 

Walter chuckled and shook his head. "I think Fox and I can both manage that, Alex..providing you come home of course. I think Fox has dinner waiting for the both of us". 

Alex made a face, he had tasted Fox's cooking before. Walter chuckled. "I know, but he did go to all the trouble to make it, the least we can do is eat it". 

Alex smiled and nodded. "okay". Together they left the bar. 

Fox was waiting for them in the living room. Walter could see how worried he was. 

Is everything all right"? He asked. Walter replied softly. "I think so". Fox turned to look at Alex, noticing the dark smudges under his eyes. He looked completely done in. 

"Come on Alex, lets get some food into you". Walter and Fox led the emotionally fragile man into the kitchen. 

After eating a surprisingly good meatloaf. The three of them sat around the living room talking. 

"We don't want to force you to do something that you don't want to do Alex". Fox told him gently. "But Walter and I are really concerned for you now. We both know it's been hard for you, but Alex, you have to see that you need help". 

"I understand Fox". Alex replied. "I'm sorry that I lost it earlier, and I had no right to hit you. Can you ever forgive me"? 

Fox reached over and took Alex's hand in his. "There's nothing to forgive". Alex sighed and leaned his head against Fox's shoulder. "Thank you". 

Fox smiled and held Alex close to him, tears gathering in his own eyes. "It will be all right Alex, I promise". 

Past  
"Kill him Alex, what are you waiting for"? "I can't, the boy sniffles. "I don't want to". 

"Coward"! The man snarls. "Worthless little shit! Shoot him now"! 

"Please". The boy whimpers, terrified.  
The man raises his hand, and bings it down with a hard crack against the boy's cheek leving a bright red handprint. The boy's head snaps back, and he begins to weep. 

"Kill him, or I promise I'll thrash you within an inch of your life". The boy knew from experience, that this was not an idle threat. The last thrashing that he had received and left him bruised and sore for days afterward. 

Weeping openly now, the boy raises the gun and point it at the cowering man kneeling bound and gagged on the ground in front of him. 

The man's eyes bulge with terror as he stares at the gun. He tries to plead for his life but the gag muffles his desperate words. 

The boy pulls the trigger and the man slowly keels over, handing on the soft earth,  
dead. 

"Good boy Alex, I knew that you could do it. The Elite will be so pleased with you'. 

The boy looks down at the man he had just killed, and opens his mouth in shock, for the man's face was different now, it is the face of Bill Mulder. 

The boy opens his mouth to scream...  
...and someone is shaking him. 

"Alex wake up. you/re having a nightmare". Alex's eyes opened and he looked straight into Walter's warm brown eyes, he could  
see the concern in them. 

"Are you all right sweetheart"? 

Alex nodded. "I'm fine, thanks Walter, just a little thirsty". 

Fox went into the bathroom and bought back a glass of water. Alex took it gratefully. 

After he had drunk the water. He handed the glass back and lay back down on the bed. 

"Do you think you can go back to sleep"? Walter asked. Alex nodded. "I'll be okay". 

"First thing tomorrow, I'll get that prescription filled, that should help these nightmares disappear". Walter said. 

Alex sighed. he as not happy about having to take drugs, but he knew that it would  
be for the best. To help him make a start towards healing. Fox had said. 

How do you fix something that has been broken for so long? He wondered as he closed  
his eyes. Is it possible? Could he be saved? 

"Who could love you Alex"? Lucas was standing in front of him, arms crossed over his massive chest. "Who could love a weak simpering little fag like you"? A look of utter contempt crosses Lucas's face. 

Someone does, Alex thought sleepily. he snuggled deeply into Walter's arms. 

Someone does love me. Two someones as a matter of fact. And while I am with them Lucas, you can't hurt me anymore. 

A man must turn his heart to stone, he must harden himself to the work that must be done. Only then can he triumph over his enemies. only then can he truly succeed 

Succeed, in what? Alex asked himself. In misery, in deceit, in death. That was not the life he chose anymore. He had faced death once, when he had lay bleeding on the concrete floor in the parking lot. 

He had turned from the darkness and into the light, and there to lead him him had been Walter Skinner and Fox Mulder, the two men that had the most reason to hate him. And yet did not. 

Past  
"I don't know why you want to help him Sir"? Scully's voice cut through the haze of pain and drugs.  
"He's a rat bastard". 

"I know Scully, but he's our rat bastard, and I'll be dammed if I am going on him, while they walk away scot free". 

"What are you going to do then Sir"?  
"Take care of him, hope he heals. Hope that he can change". 

I can change Walter, Alex thought as he drifted off to sleep. I think I truly can.  
End Of Part One  


* * *

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